Family relationships can be complicated, and when conflict arises between parents, children can sometimes get caught in the middle. Imagine a child who once adored both parents suddenly pulling away from one—avoiding phone calls, refusing visits, or even speaking with unexpected anger and resentment. This shift isn’t always just a phase or a reaction to life changes; it could be a sign of parental alienation—a situation where one parent, intentionally or unintentionally, influences a child to turn against the other.

This isn’t about minor disagreements or one-off frustrations; parental alienation can deeply affect a child’s emotional well-being and their long-term relationships. It can create confusion, fear, and misplaced loyalty, leaving lasting scars. So how does this happen? What are the signs? And most importantly, how can families find a way forward? Understanding parental alienation—and when it’s actually a child setting healthy boundaries—is crucial. With the right support, including therapy, families can navigate these challenges in a way that prioritizes the child’s emotional well-being.

What is Parental Alienation?

Parental alienation occurs when one parent deliberately or subtly manipulates a child into fearing, distrusting, or rejecting the other parent. This can look like constant criticism, spreading false information, or making the child feel guilty for having a relationship with the other parent. Over time, these behaviors plant seeds of doubt and resentment, creating emotional distance that may feel impossible to repair.

But here’s the thing—it doesn’t have to stay this way. Understanding the signs and seeking support can help parents rebuild trust, reconnect with their child, and navigate these difficult dynamics in a healthier way. Let’s explore how.

Separating Fact from Fiction: The Truth About Parental Alienation

When it comes to parental alienation, there’s a lot of misinformation floating around. Some people think it only happens in ugly divorces, while others assume kids always side with the parent doing the alienating. The truth? Parental alienation is more complex than most realize. There are many misconceptions about parental alienation, and not every case of estrangement is caused by manipulation. Some children withdraw from a parent for valid reasons, while others may be unfairly influenced. Let’s break down the myths and realities. Let’s clear up some common myths:

• Myth: Parental alienation only happens in divorced families.

Reality: While it’s more common in high-conflict divorces, alienation can happen in any family situation, even when parents are still together. It can stem from long-standing resentment, unresolved issues, or even extended family members influencing a child’s perception of a parent.

• Myth: Parental alienation is the only reason a child pulls away from a parent.

Reality: While alienation can be a factor, sometimes a child is setting healthy boundaries with a parent due to their own needs, past experiences, or emotional safety. If a parent has been emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or has engaged in harmful behaviors, a child may naturally withdraw—not because of manipulation, but to protect their own well-being.

• Myth: Kids will always side with the alienating parent.

Reality: Children are often more intuitive than we think. While some may initially align with the alienating parent, many eventually recognize what’s happening and long for a balanced, healthy relationship with both parents.

• Myth: Parental alienation is always intentional.

Reality: Not all alienation is deliberate. A parent venting frustration about their ex within earshot of their child might not realize the impact. Over time, even subtle remarks can shape a child’s emotions and create unnecessary tension.

• Myth: If a child refuses to see a parent, court intervention is the only solution.

Reality: While legal measures may sometimes be necessary, therapy, open communication, and family support can often be more effective in repairing relationships. Forcing contact without addressing the root issues can make things worse.

• Myth: If a child seems happy with one parent, everything must be fine.

Reality: A child appearing happy in one parent’s home doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t struggling internally. They may be suppressing their emotions, adapting to the expectations of their environment, or feeling pressured—consciously or unconsciously—to align with that parent. In some cases, children may avoid showing distress to maintain approval or prevent conflict. Just because a child isn’t outwardly expressing sadness or confusion doesn’t mean they aren’t experiencing emotional turmoil beneath the surface. Over time, unresolved feelings of guilt, loss, or divided loyalty can impact their mental health and relationships well into adulthood.

Understanding these realities is the first step in addressing parental alienation in a way that prioritizes the child’s emotional well-being. The good news? It’s possible to rebuild trust and heal fractured relationships with the right support.

How Does Parental Alienation Happen?

Parental alienation doesn’t appear overnight—it often develops over time, fueled by unresolved conflict, emotional distress, or an unhealthy dynamic between parents. While it’s commonly linked to breakups or divorces, alienation can also happen in families where parents are still together but experiencing ongoing conflict, or where extended family members play a role in influencing a child’s perception of a parent.

The Role of Conflict and Separation

When relationships become strained—whether due to divorce, separation, or ongoing disagreements—children can get caught in the crossfire. Instead of prioritizing their child’s emotional well-being, some parents unintentionally (or intentionally) let their frustration, resentment, or hurt shape how they talk about the other parent. Comments that seem harmless at first—like blaming the other parent for financial struggles or venting about past mistakes—can slowly erode a child’s trust and create an emotional wedge.

In high-conflict situations, one parent may actively work to diminish the other’s role, whether out of hurt, fear, a desire for control, or even subconscious validation. The child, sensing this tension, may feel pressured to pick sides or align with the parent they spend the most time with to avoid conflict. Over time, these dynamics can create deep emotional confusion, where a child’s rejection of one parent isn’t based on personal experience but rather on the narratives and emotional cues they’ve absorbed.

Recognizing how alienation begins—or distinguishing it from a child setting healthy boundaries—is crucial in ensuring children’s emotional well-being and helping families navigate complex relationships.

When It’s Not Alienation: Recognizing Healthy Boundaries

While parental alienation is a serious concern, it’s also important to recognize when a child is distancing themselves for valid reasons. Not every case of estrangement is manipulation—sometimes, it’s about emotional safety and self-protection. Not every instance of a child distancing themselves from a parent is parental alienation—sometimes, it’s a child setting healthy boundaries based on their own lived experiences. If a child has faced emotional neglect, inconsistency, broken trust, or even harmful behaviors from a parent, pulling away may be a form of self-protection, not manipulation.
It’s important to distinguish between a child being unfairly influenced and a child responding to their own reality. Some signs that a child’s distancing is not alienation but boundary-setting include:

• The child can clearly articulate their concerns based on their own interactions.
• They express a desire for change rather than outright rejection.
• Their feelings remain consistent over time, rather than shifting based on external influences.
• The child’s distress is tied to specific behaviors, not just one parent’s opinions about the other.

Children, like adults, have the right to set boundaries to protect their emotional and psychological well-being. Dismissing their experiences as alienation when they are actually advocating for themselves can be harmful. The key is listening—without assumption—to understand what is really happening beneath the surface.

Signs of Parental Alienation: How Manipulation Happens

While some cases of a child distancing themselves are rooted in their own experiences and healthy boundary-setting, parental alienation happens when a parent deliberately influences a child to turn against the other without cause. This manipulation can be subtle or overt, but over time, it can damage the child's ability to trust, feel secure in their relationships, and form their own independent opinions. Here are some common tactics used in parental alienation:

Badmouthing: Simply put, this is talking negatively about the other parent. Imagine being a child and hearing one parent constantly criticize or insult the other—it’s confusing, painful, and can make a child feel like they have to take sides.

Withholding Access: An alienating parent may limit or deny visits, phone calls, or other contact with the other parent. Over time, this can make the child feel distant, rejected, or even fearful of reaching out.

Creating False Allegations: In some cases, an alienating parent may falsely accuse the other of abuse, neglect, or harmful behavior. These accusations, whether intentional or a result of their own emotional struggles, can severely impact a child's perception and create deep emotional scars.

These behaviors don’t just affect the targeted parent—they put children in an unfair and emotionally exhausting position, forcing them to navigate adult conflicts that they shouldn’t have to carry. Recognizing these tactics is essential to breaking the cycle and helping children form healthy, secure relationships with both parents.

The Impact on the Child

Children are deeply affected by their environments, whether they are experiencing true parental alienation or setting healthy boundaries due to past experiences. Both situations can shape their emotional and psychological well-being.

How Parental Alienation Affects a Child’s Mental Health

Being caught in the middle of parental alienation can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. Anger, sadness, confusion, guilt, and anxiety are common responses as children struggle with loyalty conflicts. Imagine feeling like loving one parent means betraying the other—it’s an impossible situation for a child to navigate.

Guilt and self-blame: Some children believe the conflict is their fault, leading to shame and low self-esteem.

Anxiety and depression: Constant emotional stress can result in withdrawal, mood swings, or difficulty regulating emotions.

Fear of disappointing either parent: Many children adapt their behavior to avoid conflict, sometimes suppressing their true feelings to keep the peace.

The Long-Term Impact of Alienation and Family Conflict

The effects of alienation don’t stop in childhood. The emotional scars often follow children into adulthood, shaping how they connect with others.

Struggles with trust: If a child has been conditioned to believe one parent is dangerous, untrustworthy, or unworthy of love, they may struggle to trust others in future relationships.

Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships: When a child has been forced to choose between parents, they may develop an all-or-nothing mindset, making it harder to navigate conflicts in friendships and romantic relationships.

Repeating the cycle: Without intervention, children raised in an alienation dynamic may carry these patterns into their own parenting, either by distancing themselves from one side of their family or mirroring similar behaviors with their own children.

Breaking this cycle is crucial. Children deserve the chance to build secure, healthy relationships with both parents, free from manipulation and conflict. With the right support—through therapy, open conversations, and conscious efforts from both parents—healing is possible.

Healing Family Relationships: When Therapy Can Help

Whether a child is experiencing parental alienation or establishing necessary boundaries, therapy can provide a space to explore emotions, heal relationships, and rebuild trust when appropriate. Therapy can provide the tools and guidance needed to navigate these complexities—whether the child is truly experiencing alienation or needs support in defining and maintaining appropriate boundaries.

Supporting the Child: Therapy as a Safe Space

Children often struggle to express their emotions in high-conflict family situations. Whether they’re feeling pressure from one parent, processing their own experiences, or trying to set boundaries, individual therapy can provide them with:

• A neutral space to share their feelings without fear of upsetting a parent.
• Guidance in recognizing manipulation versus personal autonomy.
• Healthy coping strategies to deal with guilt, anxiety, or loyalty conflicts.
• Validation and support if they need distance from a parent for their own emotional well-being.

A child refusing to see a parent doesn’t always mean they’re being alienated. Therapy can help uncover whether their feelings are based on external influence or their own need for emotional safety.

Family Therapy: Rebuilding Trust or Respecting Boundaries

When relationships between parents and children become strained, family therapy can help navigate the path forward—whether that means rebuilding trust or learning to respect necessary boundaries. A therapist can facilitate:

• Open and honest conversations about the child's feelings and experiences.
• ​​​​​​​Strategies for rebuilding a healthy parent-child relationship when appropriate.
• Guidance for parents to recognize the difference between alienation and a child setting boundaries for their emotional well-being.
• Support for co-parents in reducing conflict and fostering a healthier family dynamic.

At RAFT Counseling, our family therapy approach isn’t about forcing reconciliation—it’s about understanding what’s best for the child, respecting their emotional needs, and guiding parents through healthy communication strategies.

The Path to Healing: Every Situation is Unique

Parental alienation can have lasting effects, but not every case of estrangement is caused by manipulation. Therapy can help uncover the underlying reasons behind a child’s distancing and provide guidance for healing, whether that means reconnecting or respecting boundaries. Sometimes, children need space from a parent because of past experiences, inconsistent parenting, or emotional neglect. Therapy provides an opportunity to explore these issues with professional guidance, ensuring that children are supported in a way that prioritizes their emotional and psychological well-being.

If you or your family are navigating parental alienation, strained relationships, or complex family dynamics, therapy can help bring clarity and healing. If you or your child is struggling with anxiety or emotional distress, therapy can help. Learn more about our adolescent therapy services. RAFT Counseling offers individual and family therapy in Parker, Colorado, and virtual sessions across the state. Contact us today to schedule a consultation and take the first step toward healing and stronger family connections.