How to Talk to Your Therapist When You Feel Like You’re Not Getting What You Need From Therapy

Seeking out mental health support can be a daunting process. The human mind is complex, and while complexity is a good thing; investing in the right support can be difficult at times. This makes it all the more challenging or frustrating to confront your provider when it feels like you are not getting what you need out of the therapeutic process. Self-advocacy in the realm of healthcare can be scary but, with a little trust, perspective, and confidence it can bear fruit that leads to the best version of you. In this post we will discuss some of the ways to effectively communicate your needs with your therapist in the hopes of building confidence in yourself and in your care. 

It All Starts With Rapport

Therapy is an inherently vulnerable activity to engage in. Diving deep into our own psyche, allowing ourselves to feel emotions we have been avoiding, or facing thoughts that we may have been suppressing requires trust. Trust is built over time and through intentional interactions that prove trustworthiness. Therapists work to earn this trust through extensive education in their area of specialty, constant work to improve themselves in their professionalism, expertise, and ethical practice, and, most importantly, through ongoing honest communication with you, the patient. 

Rapport is defined as a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other's feelings or ideas and communicate well. Therapists, more so than many other professionals within the world of healthcare, value and rely on honest communication. This is because, though it may sometimes seem like it, they cannot read our minds. Therapists also cannot request images or lab tests and then diagnose and provide treatment for the affected area based on the results. They rely on you as the patient to fully communicate your experience and needs to effectively provide support tailored to your specific case. So what ways can we both work together to build the level of rapport necessary to make therapy more effective? 

It is Okay to Ask Why

While time is an important part of becoming comfortable with someone, it is how we use the time that matters. I wouldn’t think sitting silently in an office for multiple sessions would effectively build trust. Rather, we utilize the time to experimentally build trust through words and actions. One of the ways to do so is asking questions; particularly, asking for clarification about the intention/direction of a discussion if you feel uncomfortable or uncertain about it.

Shared Understanding Builds Trust

Therapists are working through the same information you are in a session only with constant consideration for all the details they know about you and relevant information from their professional training. They may ask you a question that seems irrelevant to what you are talking about or unimportant to your experiences. By asking for clarity about the reasoning you can feel more confident about the intention while also avoiding anger or frustration that the therapist is not actively listening to you in the moment. Such insight into the thought process of the therapist may help you to evaluate whether the therapist is a good fit for what you are looking for and support a decision about whether or not a change is needed.

How to: Self-Advocacy

If you do reach a point where your therapeutic goals are not adequately being addressed and you have taken the time to gain clarification by asking the therapist about their approach it is absolutely reasonable to advocate for yourself by openly acknowledging your concerns. Here are some ways to build confidence and feel best prepared to approach such a conversation. 

‘The Why’ is Important

When needing to approach your therapist about a concern with the direction of therapy it is important to know both what is not working and also why. As mentioned before, therapists cannot read minds. When something is not working, having the ability to describe why provides the therapist insight to either adjust their approach or see that they may not have your ideal style and help you connect with a better fit clinician. If it is the former, you have just successfully advocated for yourself, hopefully built a stronger rapport with your therapist, and are more confident that they care about you and your goals. If it is the latter, you have still successfully advocated for yourself, hopefully become more confident about your own agency in your healing journey, and taken a big step towards more effective support. 

Power Dynamics and External Preparation

It is understandable if this process feels uncomfortable. As much as we try to maintain balance, there are inherent power dynamics in the therapeutic relationship and they can be barriers to effective communication. In moments like these preparation is imperative for confidence building. Whether it be practicing in front of a mirror, with a family or friend, or writing down your thoughts to read to the therapist in session later; taking time to build a layout that makes sense to you and covers all the points you want to communicate can greatly ease the pressure of self-advocacy. It not only builds confidence in knowing yourself but also relieves the stress of trying to remember everything in the moment. Writing your ideas down can be particularly helpful in slowing down during the conversation as you can go point by point at a speed that is comfortable to you. 

Therapists Are People Too

Mental health professionals are human; they make mistakes, forget things, and may miss cues that communicate an ineffectiveness of a certain approach. Nonetheless, they are professionally, ethically, and empathetically invested in your care and the supportive pursuit of your needs. Communicating ways in which you feel you are not getting what you need from therapy is an invaluable kindness you can provide them to help you both achieve the shared goal of your healing.

Communicating Needs so that Therapy can Work for You

When you feel like you are not getting what you need from therapy it could simply be a matter of clarification to build confidence in choices a therapist is making or it could just as validly be a less than ideal fit in terms of professional approach, personality, communication style, etc. A therapist should always be open to discussing your experiences, especially when it comes to your perspective about the effectiveness of the therapeutic approach. It may be uncomfortable but through preparation, intention, and trust; you can advocate for your needs and both you and your therapist get to step towards the best version of yourselves in the process. 

At RAFT Counseling, we very much value honest and open communication to best support you on your journey. We hope to provide a setting and care that builds trust and confidence in yourself as well as the mental health professionals here. Simply visit our website or contact us to get connected.