Fight Like a Therapist

Therapy is not often thought of as an aggressive activity but it is known as one that requires emotional vulnerability and discomfort. Disagreements are uncomfortable and trying to communicate when uncomfortable, angry, or even rageful can feel like an impossible task. Harmonious interaction, while nice to think about, is often not easily attained because of the temptation to rely on aggression to convey a point. But what does it look like to overcome this temptation and to achieve the mythical “level-headed”-ness? What if we did not have to fear losing our cool when facing down the dreaded Thanksgiving day arguments with family for example. That is what we will be discussing in this post. We will cover some of the basic lessons learned of how to “fight” or argue like a therapist; working to build bridges rather than force assimilation.

How to View Arguments

Arguments are commonly seen as conversations that come to a boil where anger and rage reign. This is parroted in our current definition which includes "typically heated [or] angry”. However, the original Latin root argumentum was much simpler: “a logical argument; evidence, ground, support, proof”, from arguere: “make clear, make known, prove”. Herein lies (subtextually) the first key factor of sustaining healthy and regulated arguments with others - to focus on self. The information we desire to communicate and the role we wish to play is the paramount focus of any attempt in communication. We have chosen over centuries to distort healthy communication and spirited debate into a default expectation of anger and warring. We do not need to prepare for war; we have choice. 

What/Who Are You Fighting For? 

Self-Awareness

Given this expectation of heightened negative emotions, many people shy away from arguments in the fear it will make things worse. If we take the time to reflect inward and prepare ourselves for the interaction however, we find an internal sense of calm that benefits both ourselves and those we are talking with. Practically, this looks like fulfilling the parts outlined in the Latin definition mentioned above. It is important to take time to build evidence and support for your viewpoint. In doing so we are less likely to fall back on a reliance of attacking the other person when we feel we are “losing” the argument. This does not mean that you have to prepare a PowerPoint anytime you want to communicate your needs/perspectives. It also does not mean you have to have more than your feelings. An effective argument is one that proves intentionality through logical expression. Taking the time to find the words to express how events or actions made you feel or how your perspective informs your position will inspire more confidence than you think.

Other-Awareness

Further development of the skill of preparedness is to put yourself in their shoes. Attempt to do what you just did for yourself as if you were the other person. This means taking what you know of their perspective and trying to build evidence/support for it. In this way you not only have more confidence in your stance, but you also may often find more empathy and understanding to avoid many of the tripping hazards that lead to the dreaded rage and emotional dysregulation we often associate with arguing.

Communication Skills

Be curious

Maintain a sense of curiosity by asking questions when someone says something that doesn’t make sense or triggers a rise in you. We cannot expect everyone to know how to argue well or to have done the work to be self-reflective. By asking questions you both reduce the likelihood of misunderstandings and support each other in building the skills toward healthy communication. 

Not But - And

Anything you say before ‘but’, you don’t mean. This is a saying that has been heard many times by many people. Accidentally using ‘but’ can quickly shift the energy of a conversation and as such would best be replaced to avoid unnecessary strain. Rather, use ‘and’ or a similar conjugation as a bridge. This way you can effectively build upon multiple points and offer the option to work from a shared understanding while not creating a sense of disingenuity.

I/Thou Relationship

Being careful not to attack or accuse the other person is an important aspect of not triggering the other person’s fight or flight defense mechanisms. If we often use language that is critical of the other person we are forgetting that cardinal rule from earlier about maintaining a focus on ourselves. It can be easy to fall into creating a narrative that best suits us and pulling details that support our argument while avoiding acknowledgement of the other side and details we may have missed. Taking the time to reframe your statements into “I” statements can reduce the chances of the other person shutting down and becoming defensive by side-stepping their expectations of being attacked. Additionally, it can create a sense of trust by choosing to vulnerably express how we are feeling or perceive the situation. 

Compromise and Timeouts

Compromise is always going to be a goal. By its very nature, arguing is hard work to build something between two differing people and perspectives. If we always want our way then isolation is the most effective route to achieve it. We must work together to find creative solutions that honor both sides (especially when boundaries are involved). Compromise similarly requires forethought and introspection because we will be more able to find a healthy middle ground while effectively advocating for ourselves if we know where we have flexibility to move from our original perspective beforehand.

If a compromise is not possible because the expectation is to not respect a boundary, then take time to separate from the person for a bit. All communication requires a shared respect and if the other person refuses to do so regardless of your attempts to calmly and respectfully find creative solutions; then it may be a moment where no amount of skill will overcome the rift. At the end of the day we all have free will to do as we choose and sometimes the best choice we have is to remove ourselves from the situation. Whether that be for a few hours, weeks, or months; it is important to always feel capable of stepping away to collect our thoughts. Otherwise, we may feel cornered and fall back into defensive mechanisms that further the rift between ourselves and the person we are trying to build a bridge with.

Fight for Effective Therapeutic Communication 

We cannot force others to see things how we do or to act how we want. We can only be curious about their perspective, work intently to communicate ours, and find peace in our own choices regardless of the outcome; knowing we fulfilled our responsibility within the interaction. A particularly valuable lesson of therapy is that we cannot take on the responsibility of others or their actions. We can only choose how we act. As long as we are at peace with our own actions we can be confident in approaching these hard conversations.

At RAFT Counseling, we want you to feel capable and confident in your skills to effectively advocate for yourself and support those around you in having hard conversations in a healthy and effective way. If you or a loved one is looking to develop those skills Simply visit our website or contact us to get connected and on the path towards a more confident and effective you.