Processing Grief: What to Except when Facing Loss 

The sorrow associated with loss is a deeply complex and personal experience for every person. At the same time, it is something everyone will experience as loss is an inevitable part of life. How then do we work through the difficult process of grief in a way that allows us the space to feel while not being overcome by despair? Can we grow and integrate that pain into something new and better? In this post we will take a look at grief and how, no matter the stage you are at or fears you have, you can find your own path through it. 

What is Grief? 

Grief is a term meant to express the psychological distress (that can also manifest in physical ways) associated with loss. Whether it was traumatic or expected, quick or drawn out, your own or someone else’s; all loss comes with its own challenges that we cannot plan for. While you may have heard that it has five stages (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance) not every person experiences all stages or if they do, not in the same order. Even the same person can have drastically different timelines to their reactions based on the differences from one loss to another. Symptoms of grief can similarly vary but often it is associated with bitterness, loneliness, yearning, numbness, identity disruption, difficulty socializing, avoidance, and meaninglessness. These can also manifest physically into poor immune functioning, sleeplessness, fatigue, nausea, pain, and weight fluctuations among others. 

What do we do with Grief

Now that we are aware of the ways grief impacts us, are we just supposed to accept that we are going to experience pain without any way to avoid it? Well yes, kind of; it is not as hopeless as it sounds. Let's break down grief into two main sections and look at them individually. This way it becomes less about fitting into a certain stage and more about simply understanding where you may be (and can go) within your own processing.

Let it Flow

The first phase is the wave of emotional reactivity to loss. This comes in the form of the first 4 “stages of grief” mentioned earlier. As an analogy, think of being on a surfboard in coastal waters. You see in the distance a wave much too large to surf heading towards you and have two choices: either turn around and furiously paddle towards the beach (knowing you cannot outrun it) or face it head on. How do you face this massive force of nature head on you might ask. You take a deep breath, duck under the water, and let it pass over you, popping up on the other side for your next breath. The emotional pain of grief is as natural as gravity pulling on the ocean to create waves. Life will build up and churn and change as it does but you do not have to fear it. We simply let it be as it will and learn to move with it - protecting ourselves in the process. Truthfully, it is much easier to dive under the water, experiencing the discomfort for a moment than it is to exhaust ourselves trying to outrun it and be overcome by it all the same, albeit in a much more vulnerable state. This is what resilience in the face of loss looks like. It is not being avoidant of the change around us and pretending it does not affect us but rather skillfully traversing those changes as we feel all of the natural things that may come up. 

Stress Related Growth

So what is left after letting the wave pass over us? Surely, more will come. Though our grieving processes will not be linear, there will be moments within which we will have the capacity to reflect and grow. The idea of stress related growth is understood as the ways in which we can learn and develop skills to integrate these difficult experiences into a new sense of self that is more confident, accepting, and adaptable. 

Mindfulness

Take time throughout the process to take inventory of what you are experiencing. What are the emotions telling you? What can you learn about yourself and what you need from these reactions? For example, say you lose your grandfather and a memory of golfing together pops into your mind. Maybe that means you appreciated the time spent being intentionally present with them. If you miss that feeling, why not text a close friend or loved one and plan an activity together. In that way, you both provide something you feel is missing from your life and, lovingly honor the memory of the person who has passed by giving others the gift that person gave you. 

Flexibility 

Give yourself room to change after the loss. You do not need to force yourself back into how life was before. Take a new route to commonly visited places, find new hobbies/develop new skills, integrate the memory of the loss in ways that allow you to find joy again without the expectation that you have to go back to the same life. It won’t be the same and that is okay. What new opportunities are there to honor the loss and continue living life in a way that works for you?

Connection

Talking with someone about the loss can be a great way to process all of these complicated feelings. Whether it be with a trusted friend or family member or a trained professional; the act of verbalizing the things you feel can provide unexpected clarity about the impacts of the loss and how other areas of life can support your processing and growth. You may say something that you were trying to avoid, the other person may see things differently and ask questions that lead to new new perspectives, or simply speaking about the loss and honoring the memories may bring a comfort of its own. No matter what the goal may be, connecting with others is a simple way to remind ourselves that though we have lost something we have not lost everything. If you know someone experiencing loss and are unsure how best to talk with them, check out these posts about thoughtful responses to giving space and time to heal.

Successfully Processing Grief

Hopefully it is clear by now that there is no “right” way to grieve. The most important aspect is allowing yourself the space/time to ebb and flow with the change and its ripple effects across your life. It can be a time of uncertainty and pain but there are ways to make it more manageable by acknowledging movement between stages will not be linear and that is okay. When moments of opportunity to reflect and grow come, try to thoughtfully reflect and compassionately flex into the new circumstances you may find yourself in.

At RAFT Counseling, we work hard to provide space to find your own way through the complicated process of grief. We would love to provide support to you or a loved one no matter where in the process you may be. Simply visit our website or contact us to get connected with a counselor who can support you on your journey.