“Narcissist” and the Hidden Impact of Gaslighting and Scapegoating in Relationships

Lauren Spencer Smith’s powerful song “Narcissist” has resonated with millions for its honest reflection on the pain, confusion, and emotional exhaustion that can come from loving someone who consistently twists the truth. At RAFT Counseling, we often hear stories that echo the same themes - experiences of gaslighting, scapegoating, and the slow erosion of self-trust that can happen in relationships marked by narcissistic dynamics.

The Emotional Cycle of Narcissism

Narcissism exists on a spectrum, but when it shows up in unhealthy ways, it often follows a predictable and painful cycle. It can begin with idealization - the stage where charm, attention, and admiration feel magnetic. In the beginning, it may seem like you’ve found someone who truly sees and understands you. This intense connection can feel intoxicating, creating emotional dependence and deep attachment.

Over time, though, the warmth begins to fade. The once-attentive partner may become critical, dismissive, or controlling, leaving you confused about what changed. You might start to believe that if you could just “do better,” things would return to how they were. This shift marks the beginning of devaluation, where manipulation and blame begin to replace kindness and empathy.

Eventually, this cycle can lead to emotional withdrawal or discard, leaving the other person feeling empty, anxious, and questioning their own worth. Each round through the cycle erodes self-trust a little more, making it harder to recognize the pattern and break free.

Lauren Spencer Smith’s “Narcissist” captures this emotional rollercoaster beautifully - with lyrics that blend longing and realization, pain and clarity. The song reflects the inner conflict of remembering both the good and the harm, and the heartbreak of realizing that what once felt like love may have been conditional or self-serving. This push-and-pull is one of the most confusing parts of narcissistic relationships - and it’s what keeps so many people feeling stuck, hoping for change while slowly losing themselves.

Gaslighting: When Reality Gets Rewritten

Gaslighting is one of the most common and damaging tools of emotional manipulation. It’s a tactic—sometimes intentional, sometimes unconscious—used to make someone question their own memory, perception, or sanity. Over time, phrases like “You’re overreacting,” “That never happened,” or “You’re remembering it wrong,” can leave a person feeling confused, disoriented, and unsure of what’s real.

The goal of gaslighting is ultimately control. When someone begins to doubt their own reality, they become easier to influence and less likely to stand up for themselves or leave the relationship. This dynamic often starts subtly—small contradictions, minimizing emotions, or shifting blame—and escalates into a pattern where the victim feels responsible for everything that goes wrong.

The emotional toll can be profound. Many people describe feeling like they’re “walking on eggshells,” constantly second-guessing themselves or apologizing for things they didn’t do. Over time, gaslighting erodes self-esteem, isolates the person from supportive relationships, and makes it harder to trust their own intuition.

At RAFT Counseling, we help clients recognize and name these subtle patterns - because naming them is the first step toward breaking their power. In therapy, clients learn to ground themselves in their own truth again, rebuild confidence, and set boundaries that protect their emotional wellbeing.

Healing begins when you realize that you are not “too sensitive” or “imagining things.” You are responding exactly as anyone would when their reality has been consistently denied. Through compassion, insight, and support, it’s possible to reclaim your voice and begin to trust yourself again.When clients begin to see through gaslighting, they often start to notice another painful dynamic that can appear alongside it - scapegoating.

Scapegoating: Carrying Someone Else’s Burden

In families or partnerships with narcissistic traits, one person often becomes the scapegoat - the target of blame, criticism, or emotional projection. They may be accused of being “difficult,” “selfish,” or “too emotional,” especially when they express needs or set healthy boundaries. They might be labeled the “problem” when they set boundaries or express needs. Over time, scapegoating can lead to anxiety, a deep sense of inadequacy, and shame and guilt that never belonged to them.

Scapegoating often serves an unconscious function for the narcissistic individual: by projecting their own flaws, insecurities, or mistakes onto someone else, they protect their fragile sense of self. The scapegoated person, often empathetic and conscientious, may absorb this misplaced blame, striving harder to “make things right” while becoming increasingly disconnected from their own worth.

The effects can ripple far beyond the relationship. Many survivors of scapegoating describe chronic self-doubt, anxiety, or perfectionism rooted in the belief that they’re always at fault. Others notice similar patterns showing up in new relationships or workplaces, where they overcompensate to avoid criticism or conflict.

Therapy offers a powerful space to rewrite this narrative.  Through reflection, validation, and boundary work, clients begin to understand that the responsibility they’ve carried was never truly theirs. With time, they can learn to release the shame, recognize their inherent worth, and build healthier relationships grounded in mutual respect and authenticity.

At RAFT Counseling, we support individuals in identifying these patterns with compassion and clarity - helping them untangle the painful messages they’ve internalized and find freedom in their own truth.

Healing After Narcissistic Abuse

Recovering from narcissistic abuse takes patience and compassion. Many people need time to reconnect with their intuition and relearn what healthy love feels like. At RAFT Counseling, our therapists create space for this process - helping individuals move from confusion and self-doubt toward clarity, empowerment, and peace. You deserve relationships where honesty and empathy replace manipulation and control. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but it is absolutely possible.

Reclaiming Your Story and Moving Toward Healing

Recognizing the cycles of narcissism, gaslighting, and scapegoating can be both painful and liberating. Many people find that as they begin to name these patterns, they also start to reconnect with parts of themselves they thought were lost - their intuition, their voice, and their sense of worth. Healing from these experiences isn’t about assigning blame; it’s about understanding how emotional manipulation works and choosing to step out of it with greater awareness and self-compassion.

At RAFT Counseling, we believe that everyone deserves relationships grounded in honesty, empathy, and respect. Our therapists help clients navigate the aftermath of emotional abuse, rebuild confidence, and establish boundaries that foster safety and trust. Through evidence-based approaches and genuine human connection, we walk alongside clients as they move from survival toward healing and empowerment.

If Lauren Spencer Smith’s “Narcissist” resonates with your story, know that you are not alone. The emotions her song captures - confusion, grief, longing, and realization - are all part of the process of waking up to what’s been happening and beginning to heal. You deserve peace, clarity, and relationships that honor who you truly are.

Reach out today to schedule a session or learn more about how we can support you on your path to healing at RAFT Counseling in Parker, Colorado. Take the first step toward reclaiming your story!