Vulnerability: Building Trust by Letting Go of Control

In any healthy relationship there lives a sense of safety. This safety is not only a social but neurobiological necessity to achieve a type of completeness within the human experience. To achieve such safety requires many things and one of them is vulnerability - to choose to trust another with our inner world. It can be scary at first and has to be tended to over time but leads to an undeniable depth of connection that is invaluable to our wellness once found. However, it is not something that is easily understood or practiced which is why it can be valuable to check in with and refine this base of social trust through thoughtful reflection and intentional action. 

Aspects of Vulnerability

Abraham Maslow noted belongingness and intimacy as the next step in human fulfillment preceded only by our biological needs (food, water, shelter) and physical safety pointing to its importance within wellness. To achieve this belongingness and intimacy we have to be willing to become vulnerable with others and allow them to do the same. Vulnerability in the social context is not one-sided. It is a complex set of choices in regards to allowing others to know us, yes; but also our reactions and stewardship entrusted to us by others who choose to be vulnerable with us. 

Self-Disclosure

Vulnerability is an ever evolving set of decisions that intertwine both giving of and handling well the innermost experiences of ourselves and others. A useful term in this context is self-disclosure which means to reveal private or personal information such as thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Consciously allowing someone to know deeper aspects is to make oneself vulnerable to judgement and loss of connection. It is this risk to end up with these negative outcomes that begets the association to experiencing momentary lack of safety. 

We can never know exactly how someone else might react to learning about our innermost thoughts, feelings, and experiences. At times the other person may not handle well what we present. In such moments it is important to know that it does not mean we are so different from everyone as to be unknowable but that it is simply that one person who may not understand. In this way, we still show the courage to be vulnerable but carry the wisdom to not be thrown into turmoil if it is not reciprocated. 

Reciprocation

Not only are we allowing ourselves to be vulnerable when we give insight into ourselves; we are also vulnerable when allowing others to do the same towards us. We are vulnerable to the potential that the other person may say or do something that makes us uncomfortable, challenge relational norms/boundaries, or change how we view them. We are accepting that their vulnerability could negatively affect the relationship and yet persisting in the choice to allow that possibility while being a reliable friend or partner.

To reciprocate vulnerability does not mean to follow up with a similar story or experience that we had to show sympathy or empathy. Rather, it means to show acceptance of the person as they are by expressing appreciation for their vulnerability and showing curiosity by expressing a desire to understand them more if needed. At times, it can be to talk about shared experiences, but in this context we are concerned more with congruence. 

Misusing Self-Disclosure

A key to healthy vulnerability is knowing oneself well enough to judge the intention behind it. In the case of someone who is anxiously attached, self-disclosure in particular, can be maladaptively used to force a sense of connection or validation through over-sharing. A useful way to better understand this is to question whether the self-disclosure is coming from a place of need for validation or not. If it is, the individual may be unable to maintain a confident sense of self on their own. However, if the person is able to maintain stability in their sense of self they are less likely to pseudo-compulsively share themselves with others as it is not needed for internal functioning but for a wholly separate purpose of social trust and bonding. In other words ‘can a healthy internal self be maintained without the presence of another?’. If so, we can confidently go searching for this next step of human wellness - social connectedness/intimacy through vulnerability. 

When We Cannot Reciprocate

There will be times when we work on building this social connection that we end up learning or experiencing things that disconnect us from the other person. Such times can be incredibly difficult to navigate as the goal is to always honor the act of vulnerable expression while also not letting go of our own needs or boundaries. When these moments come up it is important to rely on communication skills that project acceptance, honesty, and encouragement. Speak to the fact that it takes courage to be vulnerable and that we all have differences which do not invalidate anyone else’s. Openly acknowledge the disconnect between what the other person shared/did and our own needs. Encourage the pursuit of more congruent outlets or people who can better connect with them in the ways they are seeking. By taking these steps we can not only avoid the more painful aspects of unexpectedly negative judgement but reinforce a system of positive networking that may just benefit us one day as well. 

Vulnerability and Mental Health

Navigating social connectedness, especially in the brave not-so-new world of changing socialization structures via social media can be a major challenge for anyone. Nonetheless it is an imperative aspect to our overall wellbeing and we will not achieve holistic mental health without this type of connectedness with trusted others. Vulnerability can be complicated at times and requires intention not just with knowing ourselves well enough to be responsible with the giving of ourselves but also of being good stewards of the things others give to us. It requires risk but provides a connection and belonging that cannot be found anywhere other way. Only then will we broaden our tools and support systems to weather life's challenges while maintaining wellness. 

At RAFT Counseling, we want you to have all the tools to find confidence in navigating vulnerability when seeking social wellness with others. If you or a loved one needs that support simply visit our website or contact us to get connected with our team to help you on your mental health journey.

Resources for Further Reading

• Bakshi, A., & Ansari, S. A. (2022). The Key Role of Vulnerability in Developing Authentic Connections in Romantic Relationships. Kıbrıs Türk Psikiyatri Ve Psikoloji Dergisi, 4(1), 103-109. https://doi.org/10.35365/ctjpp.22.1.11
• Brown, B. (2022). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, Love, parent, and lead. Brené Brown. CELA.