Internal Family Systems: How To Connect With Your Inner Needs

The process of therapy can include a diverse set of approaches all aimed at supporting mental wellness. Between bottom-up or top-down approaches, skills based or broadening awareness, processing childhood trauma or meaning making later in life; all therapy modalities serve the purpose of connecting with our needs and effectively achieving balance. One such approach is internal family systems which specifically utilizes imaginative intuition to achieve this connection. The following will hopefully support in gaining awareness of the internal family system basics and seeing if it might be a worthwhile approach to explore with a trained professional.

Our ‘Parts’ and Our ‘Self’

Internal Family Systems, or IFS, is a therapeutic modality that focuses on thinking about our internal worlds as a set of different needs, hurts, and ideals that are embodied by “parts” not-dissimilar from members of a family. These parts have valuable insight and are at their core well intentioned.

Sometimes though, they evolve into more extreme versions due to trauma, hurt, or rejection as a way to more effectively protect us. These evolved parts can most often be described by three archetypes: Exile, Manager, and Firefighter. 

IFS Part Archetypes

• Exile: When traumatic experiences or rejection occur this part is pushed down so as to not overwhelm us. They are avoided because of strong emotions but have a deep need to be heard and understood. They carry the pain of not only being rejected by the outside world but also ourselves. 

• Manager: Control is their expertise. Knowing how terrible the world can be, the manager aims to control every aspect of life possible to avoid further pain. This control however is a precarious place to be because of the reality that we can never control everything and often actually control very little of our daily lives. It is a heavy responsibility that weighs us down when led by a manager. 

• Firefighter: The savior of the archetypes who will make any extreme decision necessary to put out the fires of fear from a triggering situation. especially when it is a trigger that brings about an exile and their feelings. This part is defined by the evidence of their reflexive actions in our lives. Such actions can be substance abuse, self-harm, and even suicide. Their approach is unrestricted escalation of any and all possible solutions regardless of consequence to stop the threat. 

These archetypes inform an easily identifiable pattern and need to our parts but each of us contain our own unique number and makeup of parts. Depending on our nature and nurture we develop a mosaic of parts or, internal family members, that all have a need and serve an important purpose in creating the whole of who we are.

We are not, however, only led or influenced by our parts. In IFS there is a “Self” (capitalization here is used for denoting it as its own concept) who embodies the qualities of an ideal we strive for in intra-personal and inter-personal dynamics. The Self can be seen or experienced when you notice engaging in any of the following: 

• Curiosity
• Calmness
• Compassion
• Confidence
• Courage
• Clarity
• Connectedness
• Creativity

Each of these qualities provide the foundation needed for healthily connection with each of our parts. Those parts, especially if they fall into any of the three archetypes mentioned above, need someone who provides this kind of presence for them to work towards a more regulated state and to feel safe again. 

The Process of IFS

The Self is meant to act as the seat of leadership within the family who listens and provides for the parts by honoring their needs while translating their pain in a responsible manner to the outside world. The idea being that these parts are what cause our maladaptive behaviors because they are looking for a solution to their hurt and fear. Their influence is what leads to anxiety, depression, behavioral difficulties, overwhelm, burnout, substance abuse, self-harm, etc. If we can connect with the parts and build trust we can reduce their use of such symptoms to influence us by reducing the feelings pushing them to do so. Alternatively we can also build trust by pursuing other healthier choices/behaviors that more effectively resolve the need that went unaddressed because of the lack of connection. 

Troubles Connecting with Parts

All therapeutic approaches aim to work with the same set of tools - our minds and bodies. Some use themes, some more concrete language or images, and some rely on feelings rather than thoughts. All designed for the same purpose - to resolve functionally impactful symptoms of poor mental health either directly or indirectly. IFS uses intuition and the language of a family system to provide shared language and imagery to anchor us in the process of understanding and healing, rather than pathologizing. This may however be a challenge for some for any number of reasons. If the specific language or broader approach of IFS does not connect with you that is okay and it simply means that exploration into other options may be necessary to find what suits your brain’s style.

Finding New Traction in Therapy With Internal Family Systems

Internal Family Systems therapy, being one of many therapy approach options, may provide the connection to the inner self you need to see impactful healing. Through the use of family systems language to anchor communication with the hurt or fear that we have experienced in life we can find deep healing for the parts of us that are still wounded. All the while, maintaining self-compassion for those parts with the understanding that their presence is out of a desire to protect us. While IFS may not fit with everyone’s healing journey it might spark new insights into needs and help refine what it is that moves you towards your wellness goals. 

At RAFT Counseling, we want to support you in the self-discovery of finding the right treatment approach to heal and feel secure in all aspects of what makes you, you. If you or a loved one is looking for mental health support simply visit our website or contact us to get connected and on the path towards a more mentally well self.

Resources for Further Reading

Research | IFS Institute. (n.d.). https://ifs-institute.com/resources/research

Schwartz, R., PhD. (2021). No bad parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model. St. Martin’s Essentials.