Solitude: Benefits and Risks of a Misunderstood Tool 

Our understanding of being alone as humans is relatively straightforward. From a purely evolutionary perspective we are meant to be in connection with others. That is where our sense of safety naturally comes from. However, in our modern age there are many complications to that simple practice of socialization and as such many people find benefits in the practice of being alone. In order to maintain a healthy balance of social connection and alone time it may be useful to take pause and review both the positives and negatives of this practice. The hope is that by doing so you will be able to confidently incorporate solitude into your life in a manner that is intentional and beneficial.  

Solitude and Loneliness

All alone time is not all the same. It can be either restorative, relaxing, and peaceful or depressing, avoidant, and isolationary. These disparate effects are what differentiate solitude and loneliness. The former is that which provides tiles to our mosaic of wellness that we aim to maintain throughout life. The latter is corrosive and cracks those tiles leading to vulnerability in other areas that ultimately spiral towards severe mental and physical health challenges. Loneliness has been shown to lead to an increase in depressive symptoms, sleep disturbances, and cognitive capability while solitude appears to mitigate many of those same effects. Solitude with the intention of using it for our overall wellbeing produces self-connectedness, self-awareness, joy and creativity among other qualities (Ost-Mor et. al, 2024). 

The Intention of Solitude

Everyone has their own needs when it comes to the amount of socialization and seclusion that balances their energy expenditure and mental health. Many experiences can leave us needing some alone time to decompress and manage overstimulation. Especially for those who endured trauma, solitude can be balm for an otherwise undefended nervous system. But it is not just about escaping into an empty space. To engage in beneficial loneliness one must be intentional about what the meaning behind their choices are and seek out the benefits from them. 

In order to experience the positive attributes of solitude we look for a way to utilize time that brings joy and nourishment. This is to say that solitude requires purposeful activity to calm our external warning system while filling our internal world with vibrancy. For some this could look like a hobby such as painting/drawing, videogames, watching a show, reading, exercise, cooking, etc. Activities such as these can be done with or without others but the value in the way of nourishing solitude comes from the lack of social engagement that requires burdensome effort to navigate by way of picking up on social cues, caring for others’ needs, active listening, and congruence (all while avoiding the landmines of trauma triggers for those that may struggle with them). 

A useful way to make a decision about whether your solitude is nourishing or not is to look at the list of effects above for solitude and loneliness and question which of them you may feel after spending time in what you see as being solitary. In a more proactive manner, when deciding how to go about using solitude as a tool in the future you can ask what do I feel in this moment; am over-burdended by or under-provided for and what activity in solitude can I do to calm and/or nourish that part.

Common Arguments For and Against Being Alone

An age-old argument between solitude and loneliness surfaces when the aspects of extroversion versus introversion are introduced. Extroverts will defend their position that socialization is a part of life that should be prioritized regardless of circumstance because it ‘recharges the human battery’. Introverts will defend their position that not all people are ‘recharged’ by socializing and it is in fact detrimental to their self-state to be forced into social interaction (especially when struggling mentally). An interesting case-study can be seen in the discourse around return-to-office orders following the height of the COVID-19 pandemic where each side had a shared experience that served as a clear example of their divergent needs. 

In Defense of Others

Engaging socially with people that provide meaningfully congruent time together absolutely results in improvements to our mental health. Not only are we wired for finding safety in community and should honor that basic human need, there are also many biological and other psychological benefits that occur when in the presence of nourishing others. For example, how the brain releases oxytocin and other neurochemicals when hugging someone.
 

In Defense of Self
 

Not all people provide those benefits noted above to everyone else and as such it takes time and effort to find the ‘right fit’. On the part of individual experience, many have a very narrow band of people or qualities that they feel safe and cared for when around. As such, some people may simply be more picky as a protective mechanism against an overactive nervous system or otherwise anxious mind. Furthermore, while we know socializing provides benefits we also know that it requires effort. Being understanding about the fact that everyone has a different level of energy they have to expend when trying to socialize makes it much easier to empathize with those who show clear signs of fatigue after spending time around people.

Compromise For Health
 

The truth is, both groups have aspects of the argument that are correct. Humans do need to be social but we are not monoliths and so we also need solitude; balancing the two is a matter of individuation. Social engagement can be energizing but how we socialize matters a great deal more than just simply going out in public and talking with strangers. A level 100 extrovert still needs 10 minutes of solitude a month, while a level 100 introvert still needs 10 minutes of socialization a month (don’t quote me on the math). What is always necessary is to be thoughtful about the choices to balance the two in your own life and regularly reflect on if that balance is being achieved or if change is needed.

Neurodivergence and Solitude

Being alone in the context of solitude does not necessarily mean no one else is present or near you. A useful insight gained from our deepening understanding of neurodivergence in the concept of parallel play. This concept is derived from observed interactions between neurodivergent individuals who may be engaging in a solo activity but also experiencing the benefits of social proximity. What we can learn from this is that parallel play can be a form of solitude for anyone, neurodivergent or otherwise, as an additional tool towards seeking balance in getting enough ‘alone time’ while not completely isolating ourselves. The same peaceful/calming effect of solitude can be achieved even when in the presence of (trusted) others. 

What if I am Comfortable in my Loneliness? 

Firstly, it would be important to reflect on if ‘lonely’ is an accurate term for what you are feeling. As noted above loneliness has a direct correlation to depressive symptoms so if those are not present and being alone is actively supporting your mental health it would seemingly be more accurately defined as this positive solitude we have been discussing. Nonetheless, further inquiry about what ‘comfortable’ means may be useful as well. Comfort is a temporary feeling and a short-term regulative tool. Comfort does not support long-term resilient mental health on its own. By looking at it this way we can improve decision making around seeking comfort versus solitude. Achieving healthy solitude requires improved self-awareness, boundary setting, communication, and self-care skills while comfort is more simplified in that it is only self-soothing behavior. Both are necessary and useful in our lives in this context; but their requirements and benefits are different enough that purely seeking comfort via being alone will likely prove to be inadequate to achieving wellness. 

Solitude as a Health Intervention

Understanding what solitude is and how to use it as another tool in our wellness toolbox starts with broadening knowledge, then moves to intentional choices around lifestyle changes in support of current needs, and finally lands in persistent reflection about what balancing socialization and solitude look like in each phase of our lives. Whether you are an introvert overindulging in loneliness and afraid of pushing yourself to find social nourishment or an extrovert feeling a new sensation of overwhelm and trying to figure out how to be okay by yourself (or somewhere in between as is almost assuredly the case); solitude can provide many mental health benefits and can be tailored to your needs. What matters most is how we build the self-awareness to know what we need and put in thoughtful effort into the active pursuit of that goal. 

At RAFT Counseling, we want to support you in the self-discovery of finding the right balance between social engagement and solitude while providing ongoing encouragement as you attempt to implement action based on those new insights. If you or a loved one is looking to develop the skill of solitude simply visit our website or contact us to get connected and on the path towards a more mentally well self.

Resources For Further Reading
Ost-Mor, S., Segel-Karpas, D., Palgi, Y., Yaira, H. R., Mayan, S., Ben-Ezra, M., & Greenblatt-Kimron, L. (2024). Let there be light: The moderating role of positive solitude in the relationship between loneliness and depressive symptoms. International psychogeriatrics, 36(8), 689–693. https://doi.org/10.1017/S1041610223000698