How to Help When There is Nothing You Can Do: Navigating Feelings of Helplessness
It is almost impossible to get through life without experiences that leave us feeling as though we are without options, direction, or hope. Due to the increasing complexity of the human experience such moments are occurring more often and being limited in a world of seemingly limitless possibilities is terrifying. It is all the more difficult when it is not you who is facing difficult moments but rather a loved one, close friend, or group of people whom you wish to support.
While a sense of helplessness may be the inescapable consequence of living in fast-paced ever-changing modernity, we can choose to approach it with fear and dread or courage and opportunistic discernment. It is a disposition towards self-reflection, mindful action, and intentional development of emotional regulation skills that are pivotal to weathering such frustrating storms. The following is meant to discuss some of the reasons why we humans struggle so much with feelings of helplessness and to encourage confidence and hope regardless of circumstances.
Why Doing Nothing is so Scary
We live in a time of unprecedented access to information and technology. We also live in a time of unprecedented complexity. This conflict can result in a tug-of-war between our sense of autonomy and our fear of inadequacy. It can be easy to believe that given all of our modern tools that any issue can be addressed efficiently and effectively. Not to mention how having a glowing metal rectangle with the cumulative knowledge of all humanity in our pockets at all times can provide a false sense of control to any situation.
When that sense of control ceases to exist the natural spiral into instinct kicks in. Humanity has been genetically encoded over hundreds of thousands of years to maintain safety and these instincts are constantly exerting a force on mind and body alike. The fastest-acting parts of our brain demand action in the most basic form of the fight/flight/fawn/freeze/faint response; each in their own way an expression of agency over a situation. What this means is that all of us are hard-wired to approach challenges with action and not doing so goes directly against nearly every fiber of our being. When every part of us desires to act and with an abundance of things to find, read, make, or buy; doing nothing seems inexcusable. Nothing is a deafening stillness that leaves us with only the fear, pain, and anger of helplessness.
So how do we continue on when we feel helpless? How do we challenge fear or pain or anger when we know we cannot solve what created it in the first place? How do we live with any peace of mind when our mind is begging us to do something? We slow down. While this may seem counterintuitive given the fact being forced towards the “doing less” end of the spectrum is what elicited all of these difficult emotions in the first place; it is what is necessary to reorient and broaden our perspective. In doing so we can distance ourselves from the limiting belief that we are alone and we alone are responsible for ‘fixing it’ while moving toward a calmer state through discerning more appropriately scaled actions.
The Importance of Self-Reflection
One of the first places to spend time when processing the emotions associated with helplessness is reflecting on the source of the impulse to act. For many it is a natural empathy, sympathy, compassion, kindness, or love that internally motivates us to act. It is painful to watch someone suffer, especially someone we are close to. But therein lies the first question we need to ask ourselves. Is there a part of our desire to help that comes from our own discomfort with lack of control of the situation? If so, reflection on where that comes from and why is an important step in the process of calming the mind. Whether it be from a fear of failure, fear of loss, discomfort with suffering or any other place; the skill of sitting with it is a primary point of development for anyone looking to manage overwhelm when facing a sense of helplessness. As Viktor Frankl discusses in his book Man’s Search for Meaning: “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
When Nothing Will Do - Redefining What is Enough
Just like the ways in which every person gives and receives love is different (e.g. love languages) the difference between what someone needs to feel supported in difficult times and how we feel we should act can be mismatched depending on the people and context involved. Discernment of action is a skill that asks you to mindfully engage with each stage of the experience. The following are more specific examples of ways we can triage our own hearts and minds when in these limiting experiences.
1. Small Gestures can be Just as Impactful
It is incredible just how little light we need to be able to see in a dark room. If you have ever tried to make a room completely pitch black you will find that even the smallest amount of light from the little green dot on a smoke detector is enough to illuminate a room to navigate around those evil furniture corners on which many a toe are stubbed. In the same way, even the smallest of thoughtful choices and acts of kindness can brighten another’s life enough to navigate difficult experiences. Be it a verbal acknowledgement of their reality as opposed to always trying to find a silver lining, sending a random funny meme, or dropping off a small care package of their favorite snacks; the reminder that though you cannot solve their problem they are still on your mind can make the difference between feeling alone and life just being a little different for a brief time.
2. The Power of Presence
Sometimes when someone is going through a difficult time it can be overwhelming to have their family, friends, or community reach out asking for advice on how they can help. Other times they may simply not know how to answer such a question in the first place. In these times it is important to remember that having wise words or grand gestures is not the only metric for effective support. Sometimes simply willing to be present with someone in their time of need can speak louder than any commiserative text, card, or gift. By simply showing the courage to be with someone in a time of need without expectation of return or engagement you are subtly but powerfully reinforcing to them that you care and that they are important to you in any state.
3. When All Else Fails, Breathe
Sometimes even being present can be a challenge due to travel limitations, technological difficulties, relational/financial responsibilities, etc. In such times, the ultimate form of courage is to simply breathe. To face a problem without a solution and defy the inclination toward hopelessness is its own act of courage. Maintaining a regulated state in the midst of a dysregulated situation is no easy feat. It requires us to engage the parts of ourselves that can seem so distant in times of distress. Over time, however, practice of skills such as mediation, mindfulness, and other ways of challenging ourselves to not anxiously ruminate on worst case scenarios but rather be present in the moment becomes our brain's default state. Each of us has the power to refine our responses to difficult situations and find calm in the most vicious storms. It takes intentionality and effort, yes, but so does the alternative. You get to choose which is more worthwhile for you to invest in.
Finding Strength in Moments of Helplessness
We never know when or where moments of helplessness will pop-up. Try as we might to always have answers or be prepared for every situation, life has a funny way of exploiting even the tiniest of cracks in the fortresses we build. Regardless of what may have been or may be thrown your way, you have survived up until this point. In doing so you have proven that you are capable of weathering what comes but that does not mean it will not require of you new skills or tactics. Moments of helplessness, especially in the complex world we have come to know, defy the facade of confidence so many of us rely on. However, we are never without options. It may just be that we need to reorient ourselves to what opportunities we do have within the new circumstances.
Whether it be reflecting on our own motivations and anxieties around being unable to help, finding joy and meaning in even the simplest of gestures, or allowing ourselves to sit with the difficult emotions and find courage to forge a new path through; the reality of helplessness is that it is often remedied by simplicity. Helplessness is overwhelming by its very nature and signals to our inner most instincts that we need to act to fix things. It is okay to slow down and accept that we may be limited. We can approach such limitations as opportunities for new skills, awareness, and growth within ourselves.
At RAFT Counseling we strive to encourage this type of growth towards acceptance, self-compassion, and self-confidence. We would love to provide a safe space to explore frustrations and process ways that you can find peace and healing from moments that you have felt helpless. Simply visit our website or contact us to get connected with a counselor who can walk with you as you navigate these feelings and support you on your journey.
Other Resources Used: Cupchik, G., Damasco, V. G., Kiosses, E., Rebello, C. B., Ignacio, A., Chum, A., Makarious, M., & Hilscher, M. (2024). Profiles in pandemic response: Situational helplessness versus coherent resilience. Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science / Revue Canadienne Des Sciences Du Comportement. https://doi-org.ezproxy.ccu.edu/10.1037/cbs0000405
Links:
- https://raftconsulting.com/blog/14100/Beyond-It-Will-Be-OK-Meaningful-Ways-to-Support-Loved-Ones-in-Tough-Times
- https://raftconsulting.com/blog/14674/Love-Languages-What-Do-They-Look-Like-with-Your-Partner-
- https://raftconsulting.com/blog/14533/Emotional-Self-Regulation-The-String-Connected-to-the-Kite
- https://raftconsulting.com/blog/14013/Mindfulness-Practices-to-Enhance-Your-Mental-Well-Being