Holiday Expectations
Navigating a Time of Reflection and Responsibilities With Family/Friends

For many the holiday season/new year can be a great time of connection with loved ones but for many others it is a time of stress in trying to overcome families/friends needs, judgements, and expectations. Regardless, it is useful to contemplate the effect this season has on us and how we may be affecting others. This post will be focusing on how to navigate some of the challenges that come with the holiday season both before and during so that you can feel more confident in hopefully enjoying - but at minimum - surviving that onslaught of atypical routines and behaviors that accompany this time of year.

Preparation in the Calm Before the Storm

Some people like storms and others do not. It can be exciting and a break from the monotony of daily routine or it can be a great destabilization of comfort. Attending holiday events and managing expectations during the winter holidays can function in much the same way. Not only are there multiple major holidays every month from October through January that usually assume a requirement to spend time with family and friends; but it also comes with expectations of reflection and judgement about this year's decisions, ‘progress’ (or lack thereof), and plans for the next. As much as it can be a time of slowing down and appreciating what we have; the world has become evermore complicated and expectant of us which could be leaving you with a deep sense of fatigue and desire to find safety in simplicity - a famously antithetical concept to this season for most.

Whether or not you like navigating through the turbulent waters of winter holidays, taking a moment of meditative reflection to ask yourself some of the following questions can support in defining needs, boundaries, or changes that would be beneficial to maintain wellness throughout the holiday season. 

• How am I feeling right now? 
• What are my needs in these hectic months? 
• How did I feel after last year’s holiday season? 
• What can I learn from previous holiday events that would make this year more manageable? 
• Are there people best avoided for my own mental health during this season? 
• Do I really need to buy everyone a gift and attend every party I was invited to? 
• What kind of requests can I make of those I will be spending time with to accommodate the unique needs I have this year? 
• Would it be best to discuss with family/friends what is going on in my life or are there safe people to do so with that would support me if needed? 
• Are there traditions that I am worried about or feeling overwhelmed this year that I can challenge or change to make them more manageable? 
• If I were to think about the wellness model and what areas of my own life have been depleted - what would support me in getting through - knowing the areas of my life that will be stretched by the expectations of - this season? 

In Defense of Your Own Life

Of the many pressures one can feel during this time of year - judgement is of particular relevance. Not only do many often see family/friends they have not for an extended period; but the transition to a ‘new year’ naturally lends itself to reflection of what has not happened that we wished would have and what we should have done/do next. To be in a state of constant contemplation about ‘should, could, or would’ either internally because we expect to be asked or externally because everyone seems to be doing so is always going to cause discontent. As such, it is advised to focus on the lessons learned as a subtle but important choice to empower rather than critique. Furthermore, always ask yourself whether or not it something needing of critique, i.e. -

• Are you not a person learning and growing throughout life?
• Is that fact not a reason to be kind to yourself?
• Hasn’t everyone made mistakes? Haven’t you succeeded also?
• Do you not deserve a rest and if so why?
• How do you know everyone else is right?
• What about someone else’s life proves that you are incorrect - you are not them, no?
• Are your needs the exact same as those other people?

Challenging your inner critic is a necessary practice for combating anxiety and depression throughout this season. Beyond fighting our own internal temptations toward comparison, you can also have power within your social environments. If someone judges you (maliciously or not), you can always choose to acknowledge the comment with a simple “yep” and then direct the conversation to something new. If they persist and note you are “avoiding the coverstaion/question” you are absolutely within your rights to respond with “I do not care to talk about that right now”. No matter how you see yourself during this time of year, you are a valuable and important person. Your journey is not defined by someone else’s beliefs, experiences, and opinions. You can accept their comments as statements of their own perspectives without accepting that they are true/valid reflections of who you are or where you are in life. 

When the Partying is too Hard

For those that may find themselves overwhelmed by the season or overstimulated by the people and environments of social gatherings - there is no shame in stepping away and taking a moment for yourself or even not attending/leaving early when needed. There are numerous reasons that doing so would be necessary including but not limited to: social overwhelm, neurodivergent overstimulation, trauma triggers (e.g. drinking), degraded self-esteem following judgemental comments from family/friends, fatigue from the logistics of travel with or without others, a drained social battery (especially relevant for introverts), or simply just wanting to take a break.

Whatever the reason, you should never be in a position to feel required to be in an environment that is detrimental to your wellness simply because “it is the holidays” nor should you be shamed into doing so. Sure we all make sacrifices and endure some discomfort during the holidays; but it is a form of self-care to be honest about the impacts people and places have on us and prioritize our needs (*note here needs is in relation to mental health not wants in relation to preferences at the expense of others).

Looking Beyond Ourselves (Once our Needs are Taken Care of) 

Lack of Community

If you know someone in your life that is lonely during this time, consider ways you may be able to include them in your holidays or let them know you are thinking of them. This could look like sending a care package, small gift, card, or simply giving them a call. Dedicating time to remind them you value them, are interested in their life, and care about their wellbeing can have a lasting impact throughout the winter months.

Burnout

During the holidays there are both financial and social pressures to give boundlessly while also possibly facing slowed work or financial instability and increased social expectations from those we would otherwise choose to be distant from. In such cases we can choose to be intentional about checking in with, and be willing to accommodate, those who may be facing burnout. Maybe communicating they do not need to give gifts or bring food can be a small gesture of understanding. If you have the bandwidth, possibly offer to plan their event for them or be present as an extra pair of hands for those who have particular tastes in their event planning and are simply overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work. Furthermore, you can completely flip the script on big holiday gatherings and plan a calming simple night in with a movie or relaxing craft activity that allows them to slow down and ease their mind. 

Loss

Due to the common sentiment of the winter holiday season being “take time to connect with loved ones and appreciate what you have”; this time is often especially painful and grief inducing for those who may be experiencing their first (or recurrent) holiday without someone due to death, illness, moving, or even boundaries. Depending on the reason, some support options can include finding creative ways to remind the person of positive past memories to appreciate the time they had together or honor their memory by doing an activity that was special to the person that was lost. If it is about boundaries, the focus can be on keeping their mind engaged on something else (i.e. making new memories, doing fun activities, and encouraging/reminding them of the growth and courage it took to set and keep the boundary).

Finally, if doing anything at all is too much for that person during this time - simply being present is enough. You don’t have to talk or do an activity, you can simply sit with that person to express to them without words that you care for them unconditionally. 

During this time I am always reminded of a quote that can bring a deeper awareness to loss for many. It comes from an unexpected place - the videogame God of War: Ragnarok - “To grieve deeply is to have loved fully.”

Surviving, if Not Thriving, in the Holiday Season

No matter where you find yourself during this time of year, allow a moment to consider your needs and what you may have left over to care for others. You may be facing a daunting challenge of combating difficult emotions from internal or external pressure, or concerned for someone in your life that is. Whether it is finding confidence in walking your own path despite the critique of self/others, managing overwhelm during holiday parties, or feeling lost about how to support loved ones; there are many ways to successfully get through this season of expectation.  

At RAFT Counseling, we want you to have all the tools and support to manage the complex feelings and experiences associated with the holiday season. If you or a loved one needs that support simply visit our website or contact us to get connected with our team to help you on your mental health journey.