Anger Management: How to Understand and Use Volatile Emotions Safely

Anger is a necessary and valuable emotion beneficial to the survival of any person. It is not inherently wrong or problematic. Rather, it is how we respond to our anger that informs its utility and effectiveness in our daily lives.

Understanding Anger

Anger, in its simplest form, is purely the cascade of physiological changes in our bodies in response to a perceived threat. During the initial seconds of anger our bodies are being prepared for a fight/flight response including increased blood pressure, heart rate, and respiration through the release of stress hormones from the amygdala. Additionally, part of that cascade includes impediments to certain cognitive functions associated with complex social decision making as resources are sent to more important survival mechanisms around the brain. 

These steps all happen in rapid unconscious succession simply because we are afraid of something that has happened and our minds/bodies interpret it all into a basic “we are unsafe” alarm. By understanding anger in this way we can more compassionately reflect both on our own responses and on the responses of others to both real and perceived threats. It becomes easier to extend ourselves toward empathy and avoid aggression when it is about feeling unsafe rather than rageful, malicious, or selfish in any given circumstance.
 

Weathering Rage

Understanding the basics of anger from the physiological perspective is supportive for many in managing the more intense early phases of anger. More specifically, it becomes easier to observe the feelings and let them pass because it is understood that the feelings are a flood of chemicals that just need a moment to be processed out through our regular bodily filtration systems. 

It is this perspective that supports the typical advice of “just take a minute” or “take some deep breaths”. These options are not meant to ignore the validity of the feelings or to trick you into forgetting/getting over your feelings. Instead, it is to allow time for the body to run through the ramp up and ramp down phases and then make decisions once the full function of the complex social outer brain is back online. Doing something that can provide distraction whether it is meditation, breathing techniques, or other grounding exercises can provide useful occupation of the mind while we let that process take its course. It is not easy and it does not mean you do not feel the physical effects of anger but it does mean you are not led by instinct in a situation where it would be damaging to do so.  

Listening to The Meaning 

Once the initial storm of emotion has calmed a bit we can move into the listening phase. This part is the first step in achieving resolution to the feeling rather than cyclically bottling it up and it later being explosively expressed in a less-than-optimal way. Some therapeutic paths may speak of this phase as “parts work” (as in Internal Family Systems) or “shadow work” (as in Jungian therapy). In any case, the goal is still the same; to listen to what our internal self is trying to warn us about because if we don’t, it will make sure we hear it by causing us to lash out in other ways. 

As an example, consider you had a friend skip out on an event you had planned to attend with them for weeks. You are angry because they did not show up and wouldn’t respond to any messages when you asked where they were. On the surface the anger is justifiably directed at the friend who did not show up. However, if we listen closer and explore deeper the reason for the anger we may find subtle messages like “they do not think I am enough”, “I am not worthy of friendship”, “they don’t like me because of [insert insecurity here]”. These deeper messages are what rationalize self-disparagement.

Furthermore, these kinds of core messages reinforce anger by interpreting the meaning of the action through a catastrophizing lens. If those things are true it makes it all the more important to stand up for, defend, and protect the self at all costs. At their worst such messages can supercharge motivation to lash out at that friend to make sure they understand and feel the pain/embarrassment you felt so they never do it again. However, if we go back to the original facts of the event, those messages are not the logical conclusion - they are our ‘shadow’ or ‘insecure self’ creating narratives to justify attack because it is afraid.

Responding With Control

If we slow down and allow the fear-mongering parts to pass without acting on them, we can then utilize those more complex social decision making resources that are just coming back online. Below are some key points related to an active controlled response that both honors your own experience and anger while avoiding many of the pitfalls of reactive and uncontrollable rage.

Summarize the Facts

To start, slow down and review the facts. If you are processing alone, work to review only what has happened, not what you think happened or what you believe the motivation was for the events. If you are in a social interaction with the person that caused the anger - state only what they said or did from an objective standpoint. When we start to add in statements that assume meaning or motivation for events/choices; we open the floodgates for the other person to become defensive and reflect anger when our assumptions are incorrect.

Introduce Thoughtful Meaning Reflection

When the facts are laid out, add in the meaning that was taken from your perspective (again taking care to avoid assuming intention). Reflect internally or with the other person/s how what happened made you feel using “I” statements. Using the example above, one could state “I felt as though I was not valued”, “It felt like I was not worth communicating with”, or “I am worried this [insecurity] I have is true because of what happened”. In this step, be mindful of not moralizing or making statements about the right or wrong nature of events/people. Again, doing so can elicit an aggressive defense or further fuel your own anger if a decision about the morality of the choices/events is prematurely made. 

Avoid Internalization

In the example from the previous section there are many ways to internalize beliefs about self or others in such situations. A skill that takes time to master but pays off in the long run is to challenge the thought that any person’s anger or mistakes toward you are only about you and even more so that you are a bad person or deserving of their anger/mistakes. There are of course situations where we make mistakes but remember: as people we make mistakes but never are we mistakes. To do something and be something are two very different things. So, avoid internalizing moments of anger, either others or your own, as statements about the value or importance of you as a person.

Find Compromise to Honor the Anger

By following the above steps, the hope is that it allows both time to avoid the rageful reaction led by our instinctual physiological systems as well as preventing decisions based on pure assumption or insecurity. Following that, we move into communicating what our needs are. Continuing with the example, it can look like requesting new expectations be set to openly communicate when someone cannot attend an event since the acknowledgement of a mistake and expression of apology can minimize impacts to the shadow/insecure self.

Beyond that it can look like developing a better understanding of why the person missed the event and make new expectations of event attendance based on shared needs. Through such conversations/adaptations as these and others not discussed here, the mechanisms of anger are not only likely avoided in the future but calmed and resolved in the now. Thus, resentment and frustration do not build and your internal self experiences stronger calming skill development through experiential proof that you can compassionately and calmly advocate for your needs. 

Navigating Anger with Awareness and Compassion 

Managing anger, especially when we have not been taught how to healthily do so, can be an overwhelming experience fraught with traps and missteps that seem to make things worse. There is however hope, and it simply comes from understanding the mechanisms of this necessary human emotion and then building skills through time and with safe people. Our anger is important as it both can inform us of unmet needs or insecurities as well as motivate self-advocacy where useful. 

At RAFT Counseling, we want to support you in pursuing compassionate understanding and honoring of your anger while also avoiding its misuse. If you or a loved one is searching for help in understanding and/or refining your anger management skills simply visit our website or contact us to get connected and on the path towards more confidence, and ultimately, wellness. 

Resources for Further Reading

• Garfinkel, S. N., Zorab, E., Navaratnam, N., Engels, M., Mallorquí-Bagué, N., Minati, L., Dowell, N. G., Brosschot, J. F., Thayer, J. F., & Critchley, H. D. (2016). Anger in brain and body: the neural and physiological perturbation of decision-making by emotion. Social cognitive and affective neuroscience, 11(1), 150–158. https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsv099